If you’ve ever experienced the betrayal of an affair, you know the feeling.
The pit in your stomach when he leaves the house.
The urge to check his phone the moment he puts it down.
The way your heart races when he gets a late-night text.
The obsessive need to piece together every detail—where he was, who he was with, what exactly happened.
It’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking. And if this is where you are right now, please hear me: you are not crazy.
What you’re feeling is a normal response to broken trust. When your world has been turned upside down, your brain goes into survival mode, desperately trying to gather information that might protect you from getting hurt again.
So you do what feels like the only option:
✅ You ask him where he’s going and when he’ll be home—every single time.
✅ You check his location constantly to make sure he’s where he says he is.
✅ You scroll through social media, looking for signs, clues—anything that might indicate he’s still lying.
✅ You replay conversations in your mind, analyzing his words, searching for inconsistencies.
✅ You ask the same painful questions over and over, hoping a new detail might bring clarity.
I get it. When someone has lied to you, it feels impossible to just trust again.
But here’s the hard truth—these actions, which I call anti-trust builders, don’t actually create real, lasting trust.
Instead, they create a cycle of fear and control. He behaves because he knows he’s being watched—not because he’s truly committed to healing and rebuilding trust. And deep down, you still don’t feel safe. You still don’t feel secure.
So what does build real trust?
✔️ A relationship where honesty happens even when no one is watching.
✔️ A sense of safety that doesn’t require constant tracking and questioning.
✔️ A deep, unshakable confidence in yourself—knowing that no matter what, you will be okay.
This kind of trust doesn’t happen overnight. And it certainly doesn’t happen by pretending everything is fine. But it is possible—without losing yourself in the process.
If you’re ready to start healing, I want to help.
You are not alone in this. And you don’t have to stay stuck in fear forever.
What will you do to stop engaging in anti-trust builders, and start rebuilding true trust in your marriage and heal fully after the affair?
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
Where to NEXT?
Comments