We hear it from you.
And we hear it from your partner.
Your mind won’t stop racing.
One minute, you’re trying to go about your day and the next …
you’re drowning in a flood of painful, relentless thoughts:
"How could this happen?"
"What if it happens again?"
"Was she younger? Prettier? More exciting?"
"Did they go to our favorite restaurant? Did they laugh together the way we used to?"
"Am I a fool for staying?"
It feels impossible to get a grip on your thoughts.
They come out of nowhere—while you’re working, making dinner, tucking your kids into bed.
You try to focus at work.
You try your hardest to pay attention when your youngest enthusiastically shows you the painting she made in art class. But your mind inevitably wanders to thinking thoughts of the affair.
But the incessant thoughts about the affair hijack your peace. They make it hard to eat, sleep, or even to breathe sometimes.
Your partner asks, “What can I do?”—but you don’t even know what to tell him. Because if you are being honest, you have no idea how to regain control.
And the truth is, no one ever taught you how to manage thoughts like these. You’ve always been told to either ignore them, act on them, panic over them, or numb them with food, work, or distraction.
But here’s the problem: If you don’t learn how to take control of your mind, these thoughts will take control of you.
Because the only way to break free from the cycle of intrusive, exhausting, gut-wrenching thoughts is to train your brain to step out of survival mode and into a place of calm and clarity.
Here’s the secret, it isn’t actually about controlling or stopping these thoughts, it is about learning how to redirect your focus and master your attention.
A couple of simple things that can help with redirecting your attention include:
Use of a mantram (not to be confused with a mantra)
Allowing yourself to focus on the sensation you are feeling as these painful thoughts surface (let yourself feel the anger, let the tears flow, let whatever emotion surfaces come up and out)
You can regain control. You can quiet the mental chaos.
If you're ready to break free from the constant mental loops, you can get there.
You deserve to feel like you again.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you are looking for support – we can teach you what to do after infidelity and guide you to heal fully after an affair.
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
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