One of the most challenging parts of the healing process is forgiveness.
When you think about forgiving your partner, your gut churns and your mind tells you that you are giving your partner a free pass for the affair if you forgive them.
A part of you wants to (and feels like you need to) hold onto a piece of your grudge…
So that you can regularly remind HIM of the hurt he caused you so he won’t do it again -
And yourself of the pain you’re in so you can keep up your walls and guard your heart
It’s totally normal if it feels sticky to step into forgiveness.
Withholding forgiveness is a defense mechanism – and it makes complete sense that you would want to protect yourself from further hurt!
Your heart was broken into a million pieces. And your trust was completely betrayed.
Of course, you are going to want to cling tightly to your shield.
The problem is...
without forgiveness, you won’t be able to rebuild the necessary vulnerability, trust, and connection that a relationship is built upon.
Without forgiveness, you will always be keeping him at arm’s length.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest pieces of affair recovery.
If you are a Ted Lasso fan, there is an episode that truly illustrates the power of forgiveness for YOU.
Because you aren’t forgiving him for him, but for you.
In this episode, Jamie Tartt is having some really tough emotions because of his dad and past trauma. For some context, Jamie is a star soccer player and his dad has done nothing but put pressure on him to be the absolute best. Jamie’s father is quite harsh and aggressive with his son when he doesn’t perform well.
So Jamie is playing a game in his dad’s town and he’s totally checked out and overwhelmed by feelings because he knows his dad has to be near. His coach, Ted Lasso, sees this and understands.
He tells Jamie that forgiving his dad isn’t for his dad. It’s for him. So that HE can move on. So that HE can let go of those awful feelings and make something better for himself.
Of course, in this episode it took one conversation and Jamie felt so much better that he made the game-winning goal.
In reality, however, it takes more than one conversation to forgive, but I hope this example helps to illustrate the WHY behind forgiveness.
It’s not for your partner.
You’re not letting him off the hook.
Accountability IS key and in our Affair Triage program, we teach your partner exactly how to take accountability in ways that are very healing and nurturing for you.
But you aren’t letting him off the hook by forgiving him.
You’re forgiving him, for YOU.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
You are showing yourself ultimate love by allowing yourself to let go of the pain YOU are carrying so that you can move forward.
About Dr. Shawn Haywood
Dr. Shawn Haywood is the founder of Reimagine Love. She is a classically trained therapist, as well as a life and marriage coach, who loves to work with women and couples to help them heal fully after an affair. Over the past 25 years, she has helped thousands of women move from the cycle of disconnect to one of unbreakable love and connection, while healing fully after infidelity, in a fraction of the time of traditional marriage counseling.
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